In the sleeping hours

For over a week now I have been having the most vivid dreams. They wake me up sometimes in a daze of confusion and I wander downstairs to make a cup of tea surprised that the world is normal colours. In my dreams there have been pregnancies, there have been tests and there have been conferences. Random? I would think so. In one of the dreams I missed a Maths lesson that I should have been in. In another I ran and ran but could never get away.

This is every night, one after the other, each more bizarre than the last. I dreamt of Slavery, of wanting freedom, but being in chains. I have dreamed of huge old factories that should be producing something but are used for classes to be taught in instead. My psyche is trying to tell me something, but I can't really be listening or the dreams would have slowed down. Maybe it is just my brain processing stuff, trying to make sense where my waking brain is utterly failing. Either way, the wrinkled nose and worried heartbeat is not good for a happy start to the day.

In the pipeline

I had to change my mindset. I had to let go of the life that I had imagined for myself and see what else there might be coming my way. It was easier said than done as I still have not heard whether I have an interview for the dream job or not. I have spent the last couple of days on the computer and sent out a few more CVs and applied directly for some other jobs. The places on the cards include Italy, Finland and Saudia Arabia.

Just the process of clicking 'send' and having more ideas and more possibilities wizz out into cyber space has made it a bit easier to cope with the absence of news. Everytime I look for something else the stress is a little bit less and there are some interesting jobs coming up now. I just can't stop myself sighing all the time. I have hated waiting, I don't want to stay here. Always in-between, it is always where I place myself. It is the place I feel most unsettled.

Update
Since blogging this morning I have had an email asking me to interview for a job that I had forgotten all about. It is based on school improvements and sounds really interesting. It is far away enough to make me excited, but not far enough away to freak me out. Interview is next Friday.

The existance of God

A very good friend of mine left the UK last summer to start something new a long way from home. After years of conversations he has taken the massive step of leaving everything behind and training to be a priest. He has been there for a few months now and after much annoying from me and N he has started a blog. He is over here... www.onthepathtopriesthood.blogspot.com

He is only a few posts in, but I am really enjoying carrying on the theological debate even though he is on the other side of the ocean. Check out his blog, I think he writes well about a topic that can be too huge for some people to think about.

Move over darling

Another funny week has been and gone. A few days at work, where things are settling down now that I have had a couple of lessons and the kids are getting used to me. I have had a great weekend, yesterdays highlight being several hours of good conversation and beautiful fish stew with N. Todays highlight so far was driving off to Catterick Market near Richmond. I used to go there all the time, get a coffee in a plastic cup and wander through the stalls. I love that every person you come in contact with calls you darling, sweetheart or honey. Huge meat stalls are owned by men wearing Britney style microphones shouting bargains into the crowd. It is really something to see.

I am trying hard to let go of the job that I have been waiting for. I still have not heard if I have an interview as I was contacted to say that the interviews have been pushed back a bit. I know that I need to let go of the ideas I had about how life would be if I was able to get that job and start the life that would go with it. I need to get to a place where I will not be too sad if there is no joy with this one, at the moment I would be completely heartbroken.

I am getting there slowly and since the end of last week I feel the heaviness gently going from my shoulders. Regular blog readers will recall that this time last year I had handed in my notice from my job in Paris. Despite the few weeks in Warsaw again, I really have not known what I will be doing since last year. That is a long time for such uncertainity. No wonder that I am ready to get started on getting started all over again.

Away from it all

After yesterdays mini meltdown, I decided to take a leaf out of Sognatrices book and take some pictures. Yesterday was horrible and those feelings have not totally gone, but as I looked out the window at the little pink car, I remembered that there are places in the world which give me the space to breathe and give myself a good talking to.

Things are going to be fine, and I just needed to keep telling myself that if this job is not the one then I will find the one that is. I need to understand that it is only a few more days in what has been weeks of waiting and that things will all turn out fine in the end.

I got into my car this morning and drove to the petrol station where I filled the tank. I drove all the way to the cinema before deciding not to get out of my car and instead bought a drive thru coffee and headed on up into the Dales. The sense of space out there is outstanding and you struggle to remember why people think that England is overcrowded. I gave myself a couple of hours. I drank my tea and I let my thoughts run riot. I put pressure on myself for every outcome to be amazing and when I think that it might not be, I get scared that I am letting myself down.

It took me about five minutes to find my camera before I left the house and I took tons of amazing pictures, the sky was so blue, you could see for miles and miles. Having to actually look for my camera reminded me that when I was in Paris I would take a couple of snaps at least on a daily basis. How times have changed.

Aaargh!

Ok, so I can calmly admit that I am going more than a bit mad. I really am bored with my own whinings on the job subject. I am waiting to hear, literally anytime now, whether I have an interview for the dream job and it is sending me loopy. No more blogging until there is some actual news. Now I have to get away from the computer and my hotmail and leave the house to recall that the world outside my window is real.

150 kids in one day

Five lessons, over 30 children in each one makes just over 150 children through my classroom door. Those sort of numbers are just mad and I had blocked out any sense of remberance of how it feels at the end of the day. Here I sit dreaming of tomorrow and more certain than ever that my future lies back over the water. In the midst of that I am aware that all I do these days is whine, whine, whine. I just hope that when I am reading this part of the blog in years to come that I can see it in context as the waiting time that came before the great job.

Being back at my old school feels just like that, being back. The people that were there are still there and they are just as warm and friendly as ever. Being in the staffroom with a load of teachers who have been there so long that they taught me when I went there, reminded me that I have become used to the massive moves that are made every year when you live and work abroad. Back onto the continent for me please.