Passed

When I spoke to her on Sunday she told me it could be coming soon, this week maybe. There are four of us and we have been friends for thirteen years. This year I turned 30, the youngest of the four by a month. We are all in a new decade now. Yesterday my phone beeped and she told me that he had gone. She has lost a parent, the first one to go through this. We three are lost, distraught at her pain, not knowing how things can ever be the same.

In for a penny

Oh well, enough of the being morbid. Enough of moaning about how I have made myself jobless and homeless again. Enough of how I have no place to be and have no idea how to get there. I am just about done. I am boring myself with my tales of woe.

This week I shall be applying for millions of jobs until I get one. I shall be finding a place to be instead of waiting for a place to fine me. The places and jobs that I dream of, the ones that I think are my hearts desire are the ones that usually pass me by. So this time, I will apply for anything that looks interesting and I will wait and see.

Only five more weeks in Poland and the clock is ticking. I need cash, I need a wage at the end of January, and damn it, I will not stop until I have a contract in my hand. Coming overseas was all about me, it was never about the job, not about the children or who needed the help the most. That was where the mistake was made and that is what has to be made better.

"Better to be without logic than without feeling."
Charlotte Bronte

Blue skies ahead

Ah the weekend is here and the air lightens as the moments pass. I am still obsessed with the Gilmore girls and feel that this weekend may be the time to go back to the start of season one and start all over again. The weather is cold now, and begs me to stay inside and watch the world from my window.

I thought that I wanted to go home, but I have a feeling that there will be one more left. I have no idea why but my instinct tells me that there is more to come. Funny that. Warsaw looks so beautiful at the moment, she is cold but there are blue skies. The photo shows a day like that, zero degrees but so, so blue.

"In order to understand the world, one has to turn away from it on occasion."
Albert Camus

Above the noise

Nearly all of the leaves have fluttered to the ground and all that is left is a hefty wind that blows them about. The noise in the classroom is undefinable and leaves my head ringing at the end of the day. Living for the weekend once again.

Down below the noise there is some sort of quiet inside my head. I still cannot believe that I don't have a job, can't believe that I have done this to myself on purpose. Once more for the cheap seats in the back. Still, that stupid part of me has faith. I feel as I always have done that I am on the right path and that things will turn out for the best in the end.

I wish I could dial down the noise, forget for a while that there are things going on in the outside world. This afternoon, the children will watch the BFG and I will sit and watch them. Their little faces, happy with nothing but the moment in which they live.

In the shadow of the Palace of Culture

When E was here over half term, one of things that I enjoyed most was going up the Palace of Culture and looking out over the city. Every vistor that I have had has gone up the elevator and seen the view. I have seen the city through mist, snow, sun and rain. This was the first time that I have been back up there with my camera and I love snapping away while I was up there.

It snowed last week, I woke up on Thursday to find that the city was covered. Only a couple of days before I has been up in the bright blue sky with E gazing out over the city, now everything had turned white. Winter comes fast in Poland and the temperatures have dropped like a stone in water. The clocks have gone back and it is dark, dark, dark here now. In addition to this, there are Christmas decoratiosn gracing the shop fronts already. How can so much change in such a short time?

It seems that I can't keep this blog going in one place for five minutes before I am off and away some-where else. I am dreaming of the Yorkshire Dales and I will be going back to England to live in December, six weeks in Poland and then I will be home. Do I have a job yet? Don't be daft, I have no idea what I will do to keep the money coming in, but I need to get back there soon. I miss too much, think too much about them all.

Postcards from Krakow

St Marys Church
Small exhibition lit up across the Rynek
Wool items for sale in the Sukiennice

The Kitchen table

I miss K's kitchen table every single day that I am away from home. I miss the smell of ciggarette smoke and making my own cup of tea. I miss stepping on miniscule Barbie shoes and hearing them crunch underfoot as I look sheepish. I miss waiting for S to arrive, which she does with armloads of trashy magazines, or fat laden snacks. I miss hearing about new jobs, daughters at school, new houses.

There are so many things that are missed out of this blog. A million words that I would never write. I never imagine that the people who are reading this might feel that they are not mentioned for a reason. Maybe I just want to keep some things for myself. Would they be happier to know that I think about them all the time? Would they like it if the first thing that excited me about coming home was the two of them, uncontrolled laughter, stories: stupid and serious? I do. It is.