Help yourself

With so much time on my hands and a big change coming, or maybe already here, was it any wonder that I would look for comfort in an unlikely place? Sometimes I need reassurance and I am not ashamed. Here, on my blog I can announce: I have read some 'self-help' books. Breathe deeply, I can be proud. Actually proud is not the word, intrigued, curious and ultimately open-minded about whether they can help or not.

I am not sure what I really think about the whole notion of reading books to cure your emotional and mental ills. I think that if you are really in trouble personally then the rules the books give you are probably not going to help. As for me, I have to admit that I find myself in a place where I just want some positive thinking skills to see me through and give me the ability to trust in my crazy intuition and the path that it takes me on.

I would love to know if anyone else has read any of these books, the two in question remaining nameless. Do you find them helpful? Or are they just books you think are too sad to even look at?

Babel

This is a film about the consequences of one small action. Two boys in Morroco are given a rifle to keep jackals away from their herd of goats. They shoot an American tourist and this action impacts on four different storiesa around the world. I went to see it the other day by myself, I like going to the cinema alone. I get a little coffee and sit where I want, I have never been bothered in my own company.

I liked this film, in particular, the story of the young Japanese girl. I thought that the actress was amazing and the story very powerful. Sometimes, when I am in the mood for the vast darkness of cinema, a craving for a particular type of film comes along with it. I wanted something serious when I chose Babel, and I was not disappointed. The underlying themes are those of communication and conection. The film explores what connects us to each other and why there are always so many ways in which we fail to communicate.

Next on my 'to see' list is The Last King of Scotland. I would also like to see Dreamgirls, as it has been given such high levels of notice on the Oscars list. Nice to have the time to go to the cinema in the middle of the day, pity that I don't have a job to pay for these things.

24

There are many questions I would like to ask about 24. One of them is why I didn't get season 5 as soon as I had finished season 4, and not waited so many months. Now, I am trapped. Caught by the web of lies that the CTU agents and the White House have woven surrounding chemical weapons, gun chases and terrorists. Oh lord, 24, how I love thee.

Jack Bauer is back on form as the rogue agent that is clearly the only person who can save America. It is just so fast, so dramatic and I love every minute of it. So excited have I been that I had to email an old work colleague expounding my adoration for the programme because I know that he will sympathise with my plight. Soon it will be time for sleep, but the flashing lights, loud music and gunfire will make my brain and eyes twitch long into the darkness.

Brilliant TV is rarer than we think these days and so far, season 5 may be the best of 24 yet, and for me that was already saying something. If you have never seen any of these series, what have you been watching? The only question that remains is; why does Keifer Sutherland not want to marry me?

Freak

Every time I get a phone call from one of my friends all they want to ask about is whether or not I have a job yet. Last night I chatted to J and this was one of the first things that she asked me. She laughed and said that all anybody asks her about is her new flat, which is a work in progress and it drives her mad. I know that people are concerned that it is soon to be february and I still have no work on the horizon, but it is only in those moments of questions that I start to really worry.

There is the added element of having to give the same explanation over and over again to different people. I explain that I have been spending time looking for the 'right' job. I tell them that I don't want to jump into something that will give me ants in my pants after six months. They listen, and it makes me feel better that they care. But often times, hearing the words of justification come out of my mouth makes me realise what I have done. Cast myself into the void on some hippy premise of 'what feels right'.

When you are in the middle of these changing times, you wonder if calm and normality will ever be returned. K is moving to Hull and is living with boxes, wondering if her things will ever actually be unpacked in their new home. The waiting is driving us both mad, her for her move and me for an answer.

Coffee and TV

When I got home at Christmas, I watched very little TV. I just was not into a rhythm yet. I had no idea what the programmes were that gripped the hairdressers of England, didn't know what was being discussed across the counters in supermarkets up and down the country. Now that I have been home for 6 weeks, I have discovered the joys of English television.

For a start, the new series of 'Dancing on Ice' has just started, but there is much more to love than that. There have been times in the last few weeks that I have retreated back into DVD boxset mode. I have hidden in my small room and just picked up the Futurama boxset and watched without thinking. Now, I have programmes that I watch every week, and I am enjoying the continuity that brings. I had forgotten what it means to enjoy a programme once a week, instead of gulping it down in 36 hours.

I am loving 'Ugly Betty', it is cute, funny and it is Friday night. Thursday at 9.00 is 'The Truth about food', a documentary series about the myths and facts of what and why we eat. I love Panorama, more than anything I missed documentaries when I was away. Now that I am home there are many things to watch and enjoy. What I never thought about bef0re was how engrained in English culture TV actually is. Now that I have been home for a while, I am back in the loop. I can chat to my hairdresser about friday night viewing. I never imagined that I missed being part of England in that way. Maybe I just feel like I am doing what everyone else is doing, watching TV, and there is a level of connection in that.

Cooking book obsessed

I have developed a little Saturday routine that starts with sleeping in, having a shower and them meeting L for coffee and lunch at Costa. The fact that Northallerton now has a coffee chain in a source of endless amusement to us both, but I digress. After that, we have a wander, look in some shops and drool in the bookshop while trying to keep each other away from buying anything. She drops me off and I pick up my car at home and drive to go and see N in Richmond.

In these cold, Yorkshire, winter weekends, we can rarely be bothered to go out and greet the world so we have settled into me arriving mid-afternoon after N has already been shopping and chosen an amazing recipe for us to cook and enjoy in the evening. She is very creative and likes to choose things that she has never cooked before. Home-made lasagne, slow-roasted fennel crusted pork, beetroot relish, spinach salad, chicken and black olive sauce, I remember every saturday that has passed.

Every one of these recipes has come from one of about four cookbooks and I have become used to seeing them there open and stained with a salty finger, or a smudge of cream sauce. As it was my birthday last week, I decided that I wanted a couple of these books that I have enjoyed eating out of so much. It all started so innocently, I asked K and N for Nigellas 'Feast', then Mum bought me Jamie Olivers 'Cook'. By the time my brother had bought me Nigellas 'Summer' I knew that I had a serious problem. Other foolsish people have asked me what I wanted for my birthday and nearly all of them were told to get a particular cookbook.

I now have a shelf of beautiful, pristine cookbooks. Each one of them holds the promise of beautiful dinners and lunches cooked with care and shared with love. Once I get my own kitchen, watch out, anyone who comes through the door is likely to be force-fed seared lamb with a chick-pea and pesto mash. I am already a domestic goddess in my soul.

My life on ebay

Since I got back to the UK and found that I have not yet rejoined the working masses, I wanted to keep the cash coming in so I do not end up destitute in the manner of a Charles Dickens character. Dickens never knew the joy of selling ones posessions on ebay, had he known such joy, he might have been less miserable.

Here I am, nearly a month into my self-imposed work exile and I have to say that the highlights of my comupter time involved checking my auctions to see how much people are bidding on my things. To date, I have made nearly £150 selling mainly DVDs and cosmetics. My beautiful CSI collection is nearly gone, as is a whole host of DVD boxsets that I had much fondness for while I was living overseas and missing English TV.

The fact is that I do not really need these things, they are transient and as I am living a life without a pay packet, also frivolous. I am sad to lose things that I enjoyed watching and having, but in the end, I like the cash in my account a bit more. At this very moment, I don't need those things, I need to keep my head above water.