Vulnerability

Now that I have been at home for a couple of weeks I find that I am just about caught up with all the people that I want to see when I come home. There are friends in particular that I feel I am able to show some level of vulnerability to. These are people who have known me professionally and who now know me personally. I feel that they know that despite everything I do, I sometimes feel scared about these jumps into the darkness. They are aware that I might need some-one to tell me that everything will be Ok in the end. Why they are so good at reassuring me I am not sure. I only know that they do, that they understand what I want from work better than anyone, because they have worked alongside me and seen me through ther changes of the last few years.

Even my parents have this attitude that I am, will always be fine. Everyone thinks that I can cope with anything, that I am strong, independant and focused. This may be true most of the time but I also feel very vulnerable. Now that Christmas is gone and there really is no new job to start I can feel the judgement from some corners. In the end, I will put aside the vulnerable part and let the focus shine on through. What else is there?

All over bar the shouting

Christmas is pretty much done for another year and the buzz of yesterday has gone already. This year was filled with playing board games with E and eating far too much. Last night I slept for a long time and has strange dreams, of knocking people over and sliding down the banisters in a six story house that looked like it was out of the 'Lion the witch and the wardrobe'.

Today I want to play with my gifts, learn how to use my new laptop and breathe some air that is outside of this house. Now that the sparkle of Christmas is fading we have the harsh reality of the New Year. There is no job on the other side, no money, no place to live. That is a project that must be tackled quick smart.

Five shops later

I cnnot count on one hand the amount of Christmas shopping that I have done over the last few days. I was up yesterday at 6.45 to take my Mum to Tesco for a major shop and every time I turn round in the house there is more things to be bought, I suppose that people panic that the two days a year when the shops are shut will bring about famine if you do not stock your cupboards.

Things are all Christmassy here though and there are lovely things to eat and places that sparkle. I am still in that holiday phase where all I want to do is sleep. My body never really stops until school is finished and I am home, and even then it takes a week for me to wind down and feel human again. Well, we have Christmas in a few days and then a big hole on the other side as it turns out that the holidays are the worst time to job hunt, what a surprise.

In the event of the new year I will give myself a week before I get into the schools on supply work. Still, I am, as ever, not that worried. I am sure that things will all turn out OK in the end. When Christmas is over I will be back with a vengeance on the job hunting. I am drawn home in so many ways, I want to come back to Yorkshire, but I have a feeling that it will be abroad again. I have a feeling, and you know that my intuition is always right.

Books, books, books.

I am having some book themes to this first week of my holidays. There have been quite a few purchases from the book sellers of Northallerton and I am nearly finished my third book since I arrived back. For the rest of the holidays I will be reading:
Eldest - Christopher Paolini
I just finished Eragon, as I wanted to read the book before I saw the film. I thought it was amazing and was desperate to read the next one.
Female Chauvenist pigs: The rise of Raunch Culture - Ariel Levy
I read a review of this book about the porno-ization of popular culture and it appealed to the rampant feminist in me.
A place called here - Celia Ahern
I read 'PS - I love you' and thought that her writing was very sweet. This is the new one and has more of a fantasy world setting. Should be an easy read.
Midnight over Sancatphrax - The Edge Chronicles
This is the third in the trilogy that I started loving a couple of weeks ago. Twig is now captain of his own sky pirate ship, you just cannot go wrong with these books.

All this reading has occurred inbetween rushing around in my car and seeing variou people that only come home to Northallerton for the holidays. This afternoon it is J, a friend who sat across from me in a million Maths lessons and let me have the answers to questions that I knew nothing about. After that I will be cooking Sausage and Chicken roast for K and S (a Nigella Lawson recipe!). Christmas rocks.

Yorkshire Blue

I went shopping to Lewis and Coopers today, a very old traditional food shop that sells things from all over the region as well as world specialities. It is usually one of my first stops when I come home as I get to gaze at all the locally produced cheeses and chutneys. It has had the same smell of Yorkshire Blue cheese for years and every time I go in there it makes me feel at home. I can step out of the doors back onto Northallerton high Street and I remember why small towns hold you tight and never let you go.

The interview did not go that well, it seemed like they wanted to look past my overseas experience instead of being amazed by it. Christmas is in a few days and I have no job to go to after the holidays. All self-inflicted, there is no pity to be had here. I have loved every minute in the bookshop, all the moments chatting and crinking cups of tea at friends houses all over North Yorkshire and behind every minute is a sheen of uncertainty. Maybe I am stupid not to worry, but I am just so in love with driving my car, listening to radio one and being called on my mobile every five minutes.

Oh, I wonder, I wonder. I am so glad to be home, smiling so much, bubbles of happy popping in my chest.

The last time

The last time I left Poland I remember that there were tears. I recall sitting in Allys classroom on the floor just wasting time and not really wanting to go home because then it really would be over. Strange because I was reading through this blog that is a year and a half old and there it aown with Boll sits from the first time around. There are lots of endings and even more beginnings on this blog, but that was always how I wanted it I suppose.

The bell has rung and the children are coming in from break. I have a mound of gifts on my table and the parents promise that they will come and say goodbye at the end of the day. It hits me again and I feel emotional. I was sad when I left Paris, mostly because of D and L, but this is different. It is the place, the people and the happy time that I have had here.

Loaded down with new supplies of Vodka and Boleslawiec I am nearly all packed and ready to go. Christmas dinner with the children and a staff party and there will only be a few hours between me and my flight. Bye Warsaw, you were just as good the second time around.

GK Style

When, K, N and J decided that we would go out this week for a little intimate goodbye meal, there really was only one place that we could think of to go. We do not go to Grand Kredens very often, in fact, it is the first time on this visit that we have been there, but we do love it. It is a huge place with all sorts of tat hanging from the ceilings but the servers are slick and the food worth every mouthful.

They serve high quality Polish fare and I started with Pierogi Ruskie. These big fat dumplings arrived with bacon on top and a good ladle of oil to keep them from sticking together. They were soft, comforting and delicious. N, K, J and I chatted a couple of hours away. All complaining of last week tiredness, all shattered but happy.

As I face the idea of leaving them again, I realise that I am lucky that our friendships have lived through two seperate times in the same country and a year in another one. These are people that will stay, that I will come and visit and I will always feel as comfortable with them as I did last night. That is also how I feel about Poland. We have survived two affairs now, our passion turned into friendship.