Definition of anything is pretty tricky in our complex and changing world. So I discussion on defing the essence of being human raised some interesting and difficult questions with TFT. I have also talked about this with my friend Maria. We discussed how we feel in terms of the pressure and expectations that are put upon us by others. Maria told me that she was scared that after the role of friend, daughter, teacher, sister or girlfriend has gone away there is nothing left over.
Do we in fact only define ourselves in terms of our relationships to other social beings or is there something else that is part of our humanity? I feel that people who have taken the time to get to know themselves would say that there was. After all my social roles are stripped away there is still Anne who loves to watch the sunset. There is still Anne who feels calm the minute she gets near water. I am not claiming to understand humanity, but I can start with myself. These things that are left behind come down to a very basic understanding of the world around me.
Definition is something that limits us very much. But to live in the world it is hard not to touch things that define us in some way(possibly in every way). Even the reading of subversive books or magazines puts us into a catagory. Unless we want to walk around naked, clothes say an awful lot about us. And if we do choose to walk around naked we are making a statement about the rejection of social constraints. Nothing is easy to define, but we use definitions to try and explain and evaluate everything.
"Society is only possible on these terms, that the individual finds therein a strengthening of his own ego and his own will."
Ludwig Von Mises
May 31, 2005
May 30, 2005
I'm melting...
I arrived back in Warsaw late on Saturday night after a delayed flight left me watching a group of American school children causing chaos in the airport. I drank 4 small cappucinos and had started to twitch by the time I got on the plane. Had a new book to keep me amused thank God!
When I left the airport I started to sweat straight away and things have gone downhill since then (in the perspiration stakes). Today I am back at school and it is going to be 32 degrees. I am sure that it must be illegal to work in this heat or something. I am from Yorkshire. If it is more than 20 degrees then the whole country starts barbecuing and being unable to sleep due to "the heat".
I am going on camp with my school in a couple of weeks to the Polish lake district, near Augustow. When I am able to spend the day dipping in and out of the lake, then I will enjoy 32 degree heat. Not when I am stuck in a small classroom with wilting chidren and no blinds. I will paticularly look forward to 90 minutes of french lesson after a day feeling sticky. Lets see how much french work my teacher will get out of me today.I hate verbs in the heat. Actually, I hate verbs.
Now that I am back from the UK I am starting to feel like the end is nigh, but in a good way. paris seems closer, and for the moment, that's fine.
"No one has a finer command of language than the person who keeps his mouth shut."
Sam Rayburn
When I left the airport I started to sweat straight away and things have gone downhill since then (in the perspiration stakes). Today I am back at school and it is going to be 32 degrees. I am sure that it must be illegal to work in this heat or something. I am from Yorkshire. If it is more than 20 degrees then the whole country starts barbecuing and being unable to sleep due to "the heat".
I am going on camp with my school in a couple of weeks to the Polish lake district, near Augustow. When I am able to spend the day dipping in and out of the lake, then I will enjoy 32 degree heat. Not when I am stuck in a small classroom with wilting chidren and no blinds. I will paticularly look forward to 90 minutes of french lesson after a day feeling sticky. Lets see how much french work my teacher will get out of me today.I hate verbs in the heat. Actually, I hate verbs.
Now that I am back from the UK I am starting to feel like the end is nigh, but in a good way. paris seems closer, and for the moment, that's fine.
"No one has a finer command of language than the person who keeps his mouth shut."
Sam Rayburn
May 28, 2005
Liverpool airport
I am sat in the lounge of Liverpool airport waiting for my flight home. I have spent one english pound on fifteen minutes of internet time and so I better be damn quick with this blog.
It has been fabulous to be back home again even though it was only for a few days. I have got in my case: crumpets, cheddar cheese, salt n vinegar crisps and Cadburys chocolate as well as loads of proper teabags. In fact I think I am part of the way to being a typical Brit abroad with all the things that I never thought I would miss beside me in my Warsaw apartment.
I am looking forward to being back in the flat, but I am now all too aware that the next time I get in an MPT taxi bound for Warsaw Etuida airport, there will be no return journey for me as a resident.
It has been fabulous to be back home again even though it was only for a few days. I have got in my case: crumpets, cheddar cheese, salt n vinegar crisps and Cadburys chocolate as well as loads of proper teabags. In fact I think I am part of the way to being a typical Brit abroad with all the things that I never thought I would miss beside me in my Warsaw apartment.
I am looking forward to being back in the flat, but I am now all too aware that the next time I get in an MPT taxi bound for Warsaw Etuida airport, there will be no return journey for me as a resident.
May 27, 2005
Big Brother
As I am in the UK at the moment I decided to watch the start of the new series of Big Brother. Despite rumours to the contrary, there is access to channel 4 north of Doncaster.
BB5(?) is full of people that seem to be not a little bit idiotic and it is always fun to see arguments based on very small amounts of knowledge. I say interesting, I mean voyeuristic. I never fail to be amazed at the way that programmes like this can grip a nation. In the past it has become the thing that everybody talks about. I had my hair done today and was told about the new series by the hairdresser.
I will like checking the website every few days while I am in Poland and I will probably even watch the last few weeks when I am back in the UK over the summer. I can't really be scathing about something that I will allow myself to drawn into.
BB5(?) is full of people that seem to be not a little bit idiotic and it is always fun to see arguments based on very small amounts of knowledge. I say interesting, I mean voyeuristic. I never fail to be amazed at the way that programmes like this can grip a nation. In the past it has become the thing that everybody talks about. I had my hair done today and was told about the new series by the hairdresser.
I will like checking the website every few days while I am in Poland and I will probably even watch the last few weeks when I am back in the UK over the summer. I can't really be scathing about something that I will allow myself to drawn into.
The friendliest place in the world...
I have only been back in Northallerton for one day. I have already met up with one of my oldest and best friends and drank five million cups of tea with my parents.
Nothing ever seems to change for me when I am home and I love the cocoon that surrounds me when I am here. As I am blogging my Dad is in the kitchen making me a sausage sandwich for my lunch and I can hear the kettle chuntering in the background. When he has done we will go and watch Futurama together in the front room while I am surrounded by all the things that I remember from my childhood.
Coming home is always a beautiful and emotional thing.
Northallerton is gorgeous in the Spring and summer. Today the sky is a misty white and there is a warm, slightly muggy wind. I met Kelli for a coffee and we had a wander up and the down the high street while I frantically bought stuff that I can't get in Poland. Some size 8 sandals from new look, silver, very trendy. Some vest tops to go with the gypsy skirts I already own. Magazines to take back to Warsaw.
Kinuk wanted me to get some special shampoo for her from the Body shop. When I went into the little Northallerton shop there was none on the shelf and so I asked the woman behind the counter who told me that it had been discontinued. This I already knew but I explained that it was for a friend in Poland who really wanted it. She told me in a whisper that they had a couple of bottles out the back. I jumped and told her that I would take whatever they had. This woman was very friendly and totally went out of her way to help me out. Whilst she sent the other woman out the back a five minute coversation ensued about the weather and the weekend. It struck me not for the first time how people in Northallerton love to talk to strangers. A process similar to this was repeated in most of the shops I went into. Love Northallerton.
"Life's a voyage thats homeward bound"
Herman Melville (1819 - 1891)
Nothing ever seems to change for me when I am home and I love the cocoon that surrounds me when I am here. As I am blogging my Dad is in the kitchen making me a sausage sandwich for my lunch and I can hear the kettle chuntering in the background. When he has done we will go and watch Futurama together in the front room while I am surrounded by all the things that I remember from my childhood.
Coming home is always a beautiful and emotional thing.
Northallerton is gorgeous in the Spring and summer. Today the sky is a misty white and there is a warm, slightly muggy wind. I met Kelli for a coffee and we had a wander up and the down the high street while I frantically bought stuff that I can't get in Poland. Some size 8 sandals from new look, silver, very trendy. Some vest tops to go with the gypsy skirts I already own. Magazines to take back to Warsaw.
Kinuk wanted me to get some special shampoo for her from the Body shop. When I went into the little Northallerton shop there was none on the shelf and so I asked the woman behind the counter who told me that it had been discontinued. This I already knew but I explained that it was for a friend in Poland who really wanted it. She told me in a whisper that they had a couple of bottles out the back. I jumped and told her that I would take whatever they had. This woman was very friendly and totally went out of her way to help me out. Whilst she sent the other woman out the back a five minute coversation ensued about the weather and the weekend. It struck me not for the first time how people in Northallerton love to talk to strangers. A process similar to this was repeated in most of the shops I went into. Love Northallerton.
"Life's a voyage thats homeward bound"
Herman Melville (1819 - 1891)
May 26, 2005
All quiet on the Eastern Front
I walked out of my apartment this morning and went to the little supermarket down the road from me only to find that it was closed. I crossed the road and hopped on to the 117 which takes me to Galleria Mokotow. As I was on the bus I noticed that Warsaw was like a ghost town and I knew that I had forgotten what national holidays were like in Poland.
When the Poles have religious holidays, boy, do they have religious holidays. The whole town shuts down. Your neighbours frown if they hear your vacuum or washing machine going. When it is a religio0us holiday the whole country comes to a standstill. Not only that but they all go home. Mum cooks stuff and gets every family member round and they do not leave their home until the day is over. It is not like in England where a national holiday is an excuse for the whole family to decamp to the nearest national trust property. You take a load of poorly packed sandwiches and try and be cheerful in the drizzle. That said the English are troopers and they will be out come hell or high water. Or maybe thats just the Yorkshire contingent...
I managed just two hours in the twilight zone before I went home and drank cups of tea for an hour. I left the flat all clean at 1.30 to go an get my flight back to Liverpool. I am now blogging for the first time from Northallerton!! I am so happy about this!
When I arrived in Liverpool I found myself mixed up with approximately 4000 Liverpool fans. At least four different blokes came up to me grinning and informing me that "we won!". Quite a sea of red to behold I must admit.
I am really looking forward to a couple of Yorkshire blogs to spice up my new blogging obsession!
"You can always tell a Yorkshire man...... but you can't tell him much"
When the Poles have religious holidays, boy, do they have religious holidays. The whole town shuts down. Your neighbours frown if they hear your vacuum or washing machine going. When it is a religio0us holiday the whole country comes to a standstill. Not only that but they all go home. Mum cooks stuff and gets every family member round and they do not leave their home until the day is over. It is not like in England where a national holiday is an excuse for the whole family to decamp to the nearest national trust property. You take a load of poorly packed sandwiches and try and be cheerful in the drizzle. That said the English are troopers and they will be out come hell or high water. Or maybe thats just the Yorkshire contingent...
I managed just two hours in the twilight zone before I went home and drank cups of tea for an hour. I left the flat all clean at 1.30 to go an get my flight back to Liverpool. I am now blogging for the first time from Northallerton!! I am so happy about this!
When I arrived in Liverpool I found myself mixed up with approximately 4000 Liverpool fans. At least four different blokes came up to me grinning and informing me that "we won!". Quite a sea of red to behold I must admit.
I am really looking forward to a couple of Yorkshire blogs to spice up my new blogging obsession!
"You can always tell a Yorkshire man...... but you can't tell him much"
May 25, 2005
The Pizza Place
Where I live in Warsaw is jsut next to apparantly the longest road in Europe. Pulawska, is one of the main roads in and out of the city. Five minutes walk towards the city is a cinema comples called Silver Screen. In this complex there is a Pizza Express place called San Marzano.
Because it is so close and because it serves great Pizza it is often the meeting place for me and a few of my friends. There is also a supermarket in the complex and so it is good to be able to grab some food and then go shopping afterwards.
In the summer there are tables and chairs that people don't sit at because they are on a busy traffic soaked road. Inside has ferocious air conditioning and remains too cold in both the summer and the winter. The staff in there all greet us personally as we eat in there 2-3 times a week. I can tell you every Pizza that the place sells, I have my favourites.
I have a million memories of conversations that I have had there. Mostly my memories are tied up with Jo as that is where we go for a bite to eat after school. In the winter we sat there and watched the cars skid and slip all over the road that was covered in compact ice. In the summer we sit in the sun which makes us squint at each other but feels so nice on our faces. Jo eats pasta and pizza, I can never tear myself away from the doughy stuff.
I went to the pizza place with kinuk last night and we talked about what we would like to do most in the world, were money no object. So many people, so many memories. Most of the friends that have visited me from the Uk have ended up at the Pizza place. Every person I know in Warsaw has eaten with me there on at least one occasion. I like the new pears and gorgonzola pizza. It has hot grapes on it too. Fact.
“We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.”
(Jeff Arder)
Because it is so close and because it serves great Pizza it is often the meeting place for me and a few of my friends. There is also a supermarket in the complex and so it is good to be able to grab some food and then go shopping afterwards.
In the summer there are tables and chairs that people don't sit at because they are on a busy traffic soaked road. Inside has ferocious air conditioning and remains too cold in both the summer and the winter. The staff in there all greet us personally as we eat in there 2-3 times a week. I can tell you every Pizza that the place sells, I have my favourites.
I have a million memories of conversations that I have had there. Mostly my memories are tied up with Jo as that is where we go for a bite to eat after school. In the winter we sat there and watched the cars skid and slip all over the road that was covered in compact ice. In the summer we sit in the sun which makes us squint at each other but feels so nice on our faces. Jo eats pasta and pizza, I can never tear myself away from the doughy stuff.
I went to the pizza place with kinuk last night and we talked about what we would like to do most in the world, were money no object. So many people, so many memories. Most of the friends that have visited me from the Uk have ended up at the Pizza place. Every person I know in Warsaw has eaten with me there on at least one occasion. I like the new pears and gorgonzola pizza. It has hot grapes on it too. Fact.
“We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.”
(Jeff Arder)
May 24, 2005
Calm after the storm
Now that I have been back in Warsaw for a couple of days and had a good nights sleep, things seem a bit more settled. After my french lesson yesterday I feel could feel that I felt stressed and scratchy. A couple of hours later I was sat in the quiet and giving my head some time to listen to the buzz. Eventually as I went round in circles I came to a level of stillness.
I now feel much more relaxed about everything. Still scared, but I know that it is all part of the process.
The weather is brewing up for a storm in Warsaw today after a hot and steamy day yesterday. It is the waiting that sucks. I like the storm itself. Thunderous rain pounding on the ground while you are all safe inside. Warm, fast wind ruffling all the leaves. When the storm finishes there is a fresh earthy smell to everything as it has been washed clean. Bring on the rain I say.
"We are not seperate from Spirit, we are in it"
(Plotinus)
"There is only one corner of the universe that you can be certain of improving and that's your own self"
(Aldous Huxley)
I now feel much more relaxed about everything. Still scared, but I know that it is all part of the process.
The weather is brewing up for a storm in Warsaw today after a hot and steamy day yesterday. It is the waiting that sucks. I like the storm itself. Thunderous rain pounding on the ground while you are all safe inside. Warm, fast wind ruffling all the leaves. When the storm finishes there is a fresh earthy smell to everything as it has been washed clean. Bring on the rain I say.
"We are not seperate from Spirit, we are in it"
(Plotinus)
"There is only one corner of the universe that you can be certain of improving and that's your own self"
(Aldous Huxley)
May 23, 2005
Big desicions...
Having talked a lot about the whole moving thing I have been thinking a lot about making big choices and then remaking them. Anything worth doing is going to be difficult. That was very much my frame of mind when I moved to Poland. Even as I sit and write this I can feel a know forming in my stomach, that squirming feeling of guilt or dread. That bubbling inside that tells you that something bad is going to happen. Pangs of fear grabbing at the lining of my stomach.
I don't know if I have made the correct choice in this case.
But right or wrong it is my choice and I have made it. Something 6 months ago made me think that it was time to move. And this is what I need to hold on to. Things are what they are now.
I don't know if I have made the correct choice in this case.
But right or wrong it is my choice and I have made it. Something 6 months ago made me think that it was time to move. And this is what I need to hold on to. Things are what they are now.
Clinging to the comfortable...
When we are scared in life we cling to those things or people that make us safe. When it comes to fear we always turn round and round looking for stuff that will take us back to a time when we felt Ok. I am sure that this is why Warsaw suddenly looks so shiny and Paris so exotic and far away. I have only lived in Poland for two years but I have made it my home in so many ways.
When I was talking to Joanne over the weekend about my trip to Paris I told her that parts of my trip had made me nervous. Being in Paris was amazing and beautiful, like it always is. But it was nicer to be back in Warsaw. I told her that if I am really not happy in Paris then I will come back to Warsaw. How interesting that you said come back to Warsaw, not go back to the UK for a year, she said. And she is right. I am happier in Poland than I ever was in the UK.
I have always had plenty of friends to keep me busy. Lots of stuff going on. But the reality of my life in the UK was that there was something burning inside of me to move away and live overseas. Now that I have done it, I find that everything is exactly how I wanted it to be and so much more.
Moving from Warsaw to Paris is going to be very hard and I stand by my statement that if I am not happy, I will move back to Warsaw. Some things will always draw me back here. Or maybe I am just clinging to the comfortable. I know that it was certainly much harder than this to make the initial move to Poland in the first place.
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times"
Charles Dickens
"Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling gulity or let the judges frown?
Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won."
James Blunt (from the album - Back to Bedlam)
When I was talking to Joanne over the weekend about my trip to Paris I told her that parts of my trip had made me nervous. Being in Paris was amazing and beautiful, like it always is. But it was nicer to be back in Warsaw. I told her that if I am really not happy in Paris then I will come back to Warsaw. How interesting that you said come back to Warsaw, not go back to the UK for a year, she said. And she is right. I am happier in Poland than I ever was in the UK.
I have always had plenty of friends to keep me busy. Lots of stuff going on. But the reality of my life in the UK was that there was something burning inside of me to move away and live overseas. Now that I have done it, I find that everything is exactly how I wanted it to be and so much more.
Moving from Warsaw to Paris is going to be very hard and I stand by my statement that if I am not happy, I will move back to Warsaw. Some things will always draw me back here. Or maybe I am just clinging to the comfortable. I know that it was certainly much harder than this to make the initial move to Poland in the first place.
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times"
Charles Dickens
"Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling gulity or let the judges frown?
Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won."
James Blunt (from the album - Back to Bedlam)
I'm back!
Well, I am back from Paris and have far too much to think about again. No sleep for me. I have had three nights in a row where I am waking up at 5.00 am wide awake and with things buzzing around my head. Choice is no choice at all sometimes. I will post a proper explanation after I have had more coffee. Tell me why I don't like Mondays.
May 19, 2005
Exams are over, Paris is coming...
I am about to fall to my knees and weep with the news that over two weeks of exam invigilation is over as of now. Yes, thats right. Over, so over. I have sat with one student in a small room and written every word that he has said (correct or not) in each of his exams. I have sat in that small room for over 22 hours. I feel Ok about it because I genuinely feel that it was have made a difference to his stress levels and ability to focus in his exams. That is not to say that it was not mind numbingly boring. Hey ho.
Now, this evening after school finishes, I am getting on a plane to go and have a look at my new school in Paris and meet some of my new best friends. I have bought the lady that I am staying with some fancy Polish honey. This after much discussion on what a suitable gift was for someone that you don't know at all. I have my overnight Elvis bag all packed and sat in the corner of my classroom. I have washed my hair and made sure I am all clean and ready to fly. I am also very nervous. Suddenly everything feels a little bit closer than it did yesterday. Paris won't be some far away place in my head.
Oh well, I told a friend of mine yesterday that if I worried too much about all this stuff that I would never leave the house. Onto the plane then...
Now, this evening after school finishes, I am getting on a plane to go and have a look at my new school in Paris and meet some of my new best friends. I have bought the lady that I am staying with some fancy Polish honey. This after much discussion on what a suitable gift was for someone that you don't know at all. I have my overnight Elvis bag all packed and sat in the corner of my classroom. I have washed my hair and made sure I am all clean and ready to fly. I am also very nervous. Suddenly everything feels a little bit closer than it did yesterday. Paris won't be some far away place in my head.
Oh well, I told a friend of mine yesterday that if I worried too much about all this stuff that I would never leave the house. Onto the plane then...
May 18, 2005
Annes' reading room
I have lots of friends who read a lot. I myself have been known to read anything and everything I can get my hands on. I have never been snobby in my reading and you are just as likely to find me reading Voltaire as Marion Keyes. I have one friend at the moment that I really like to discuss my book choices and current faves with as I know that I will always get a thought out and intelligent answer. She is also great at recommending stuff that I might like to think about dipping into.
After a chat with her today I was inspired to go the library and grab a few books that I should have read ages ago but never got round to. One of my all time top five writers is Jack Kerouac, I like American fiction very much, so I picked up Raymond Chandlers "The Big Sleep". I also got "Sophies World" which, again, I should have read a long time ago. Finally, I picked up a Margaret Atwood that seemed to have escaped my notice - "Bodily Harm".
I think I am going to have a go at the Raymond Chandler books first. I am starting to miss my large collection of books that are sitting back in the UK. I have not re-read any of my Kerouac collection for a while. I will be back in the UK next week for a few days and I think that some of my most loves books may be coming to Poland for a last fling before I move to Paris. I will let you all know how I get on ...
"In America only the successful writer is important, in France all writers are important, in England no writer is important, and in Australia you have to explain what a writer is."
(Geoffrey Cottrell )
After a chat with her today I was inspired to go the library and grab a few books that I should have read ages ago but never got round to. One of my all time top five writers is Jack Kerouac, I like American fiction very much, so I picked up Raymond Chandlers "The Big Sleep". I also got "Sophies World" which, again, I should have read a long time ago. Finally, I picked up a Margaret Atwood that seemed to have escaped my notice - "Bodily Harm".
I think I am going to have a go at the Raymond Chandler books first. I am starting to miss my large collection of books that are sitting back in the UK. I have not re-read any of my Kerouac collection for a while. I will be back in the UK next week for a few days and I think that some of my most loves books may be coming to Poland for a last fling before I move to Paris. I will let you all know how I get on ...
"In America only the successful writer is important, in France all writers are important, in England no writer is important, and in Australia you have to explain what a writer is."
(Geoffrey Cottrell )
May 17, 2005
Friendship Club...
Part of my job every week is to run a friendship club with Ally. This is basically an excuse for us to be adored by a select group of girls aged between 8-10. In this "club', we sit outside, gossip with the girls and they ask us questions as they try and understand what it is like to grown up. Ally and I are not the best models of grown up behaviour, but I can honestly say that Tuesday afternoons are some of the best times of my working week.
The girls are always talking about boys and asking us if we have boyfriends. They have some very insightful things to say about love and what makes up a family. Sometimes we make things for them to take home, Easter cards, candle holders, friendship books etc. Sometimes we take the girls into the playground and let them sit with us while we watch the others go down the slide or we all lie in the sun and catch up on who is going where. The girls talk about how much they will miss me and Ally when I move to Paris and she moves back to Australia. I don't think that they realise how much we will miss them though.
We have ten children from all over the world in our club, Romanian, Portugese. Australian, Korean, English, French. And every week I am reminded that there really are no differences in the world when it comes to a group of girls and talking about who you like best.
"A child can ask questions that a wise man cannot answer."
Author Unknown
The girls are always talking about boys and asking us if we have boyfriends. They have some very insightful things to say about love and what makes up a family. Sometimes we make things for them to take home, Easter cards, candle holders, friendship books etc. Sometimes we take the girls into the playground and let them sit with us while we watch the others go down the slide or we all lie in the sun and catch up on who is going where. The girls talk about how much they will miss me and Ally when I move to Paris and she moves back to Australia. I don't think that they realise how much we will miss them though.
We have ten children from all over the world in our club, Romanian, Portugese. Australian, Korean, English, French. And every week I am reminded that there really are no differences in the world when it comes to a group of girls and talking about who you like best.
"A child can ask questions that a wise man cannot answer."
Author Unknown
May 16, 2005
Monday morning...
"There are no rights
This isn't your decision
We need to talk of changing things
But no one wants to listen
It doesn't have to be like that"
(Erasure - It doesn't have to be like that)
I have not completed my french homework. Oh dear.
This isn't your decision
We need to talk of changing things
But no one wants to listen
It doesn't have to be like that"
(Erasure - It doesn't have to be like that)
I have not completed my french homework. Oh dear.
May 13, 2005
Friday feeling
After a crazy week I have finally arrived at the Friday traffic lights, waiting for the green go ahead into the weekend. I have arranged a trip to Paris, interviewed my replacement, had french lessons, watched 'Alias', talked to my new colleagues in Paris, eaten Pizza, gossiped on the phone, not done any housework,tutored three gorgoeus and hilarious Korean kids, listened to Erasure, got a weeks worth of dirty mugs in my sink, been terrified about moving, slept, woke up feeling like I have never got enough sleep, all over the last 5 days.
We will end it all today by going to Daniels' for dinner and then I fully intend on hiding in my flat, doing a small amount of cleaning and reading Anna Karenina. I will be so happy to sleep in late, eat current buns and drink tea endlessly. The erasure CD does not work on my player at home so I will have to find a new soundtrack to my weekend relaxation.
I have more exams this afternoon before I am free and able to look into the weekend with a sigh...just a few more hours.
"To read too many books is harmful"
Mao Tse-Tung
We will end it all today by going to Daniels' for dinner and then I fully intend on hiding in my flat, doing a small amount of cleaning and reading Anna Karenina. I will be so happy to sleep in late, eat current buns and drink tea endlessly. The erasure CD does not work on my player at home so I will have to find a new soundtrack to my weekend relaxation.
I have more exams this afternoon before I am free and able to look into the weekend with a sigh...just a few more hours.
"To read too many books is harmful"
Mao Tse-Tung
May 12, 2005
Scared and excited.
I am scared and excited at the same time. When I decided to move to Paris after getting my job in February, I was giggling all the time and little bubbles of happiness kept bursting inside me. Naturally, life takes over again and as I realised that there was still ages to go before I moved everything settled down nicely. I started my French lessons and life at school went on pretty much as before.
Ally and I had a major holiday when we went to New York for 8 days during the Easter holidays and when I got back to Warsaw and started my final term I was reminded that these things sneak up on you again. Paris started to seem more real after my trip to New York my head was full of thoughts of big city living. The start of our GCSE exams and panicking students brought me back down to earth with a bump and again everyday school life kicked in.
Here I am three months after I decided to move to Paris and everything is different again. I have just started to sort out my apartment, and today I booked a flight to go and meet my new Head and other people that I will be working with. I got such a lovely email from one of my future colleagues that I have started to get all bubbling excitement inside my stomach again.
Bizarrely enough, I also feel as though it is going to be harder than I imagined leaving Poland behind.
I am totally scared, but in that fabulous way. I am starting to get my buzz from doing something crazy. Some people call it itchy feet, but I prefer to think of it as the buzz that you get when you choose something amazing over something safe.
"You are on one side and I am on the other, are we divided?"
(Erasure- It doesn't have to be like that)
"That is the hardest thing of all. It is much harder to judge yourself than to judge others. If you succeed in judging yourself, it's because you're truly a wise man."
(The little Prince)
Ally and I had a major holiday when we went to New York for 8 days during the Easter holidays and when I got back to Warsaw and started my final term I was reminded that these things sneak up on you again. Paris started to seem more real after my trip to New York my head was full of thoughts of big city living. The start of our GCSE exams and panicking students brought me back down to earth with a bump and again everyday school life kicked in.
Here I am three months after I decided to move to Paris and everything is different again. I have just started to sort out my apartment, and today I booked a flight to go and meet my new Head and other people that I will be working with. I got such a lovely email from one of my future colleagues that I have started to get all bubbling excitement inside my stomach again.
Bizarrely enough, I also feel as though it is going to be harder than I imagined leaving Poland behind.
I am totally scared, but in that fabulous way. I am starting to get my buzz from doing something crazy. Some people call it itchy feet, but I prefer to think of it as the buzz that you get when you choose something amazing over something safe.
"You are on one side and I am on the other, are we divided?"
(Erasure- It doesn't have to be like that)
"That is the hardest thing of all. It is much harder to judge yourself than to judge others. If you succeed in judging yourself, it's because you're truly a wise man."
(The little Prince)
Dream a little dream...
I cannot get enough sleep at the moment and when I am in my deepest slumbers I am having the most bizarre dreams ever. Most of my friends are appearing in there in ludicrous scenarios and I wake up feeling wierd. Why is my brain in hyperdrive?
"I can't get no sleep"
(Faithless - insomnia)
"I can't get no sleep"
(Faithless - insomnia)
May 11, 2005
Beauty and the Beast
Beauty is something that I spend a lot of time thinking about (not my own). I have many views on societal concepts of beauty, some are extreme and some are demure. I hate this idea that some people in the world have that value comes from beauty. Where is our value as human beings? In a size 8 figure, or in long blonde hair and perfect skin?
We have created a world for ourselves where intelligence is prized, we have found a million different ways to communicate what we mean and how we feel. We have conquered space and written books on the philosophy of the human condition. Who cares about this though if you look like Brad Pitt or Jennifer Lopez. These people have value, they are to be envied because they are beautiful. In addition to this, they aspire to a level of beauty that is unreal, unobtainable, even computer generated.
How badly are we supposed to feel about this, looking at these images that don't reflect us? If she has value because of how she looks do I have less value in the world because of how I look?
Don't worry, I have my intelligence to fall back on. I just worry that you can get two for the price of one on intelligence but that the market value of beauty is much higher.
We have created a world for ourselves where intelligence is prized, we have found a million different ways to communicate what we mean and how we feel. We have conquered space and written books on the philosophy of the human condition. Who cares about this though if you look like Brad Pitt or Jennifer Lopez. These people have value, they are to be envied because they are beautiful. In addition to this, they aspire to a level of beauty that is unreal, unobtainable, even computer generated.
How badly are we supposed to feel about this, looking at these images that don't reflect us? If she has value because of how she looks do I have less value in the world because of how I look?
Don't worry, I have my intelligence to fall back on. I just worry that you can get two for the price of one on intelligence but that the market value of beauty is much higher.
Ain't no sunshine...
When I woke up this morning, the sun was shining through my window and the sky was beautifully blue. I have a love/hate relationship to the Polish weather and things can change very fast or very slow when it comes to the seasons here. I expected the summer to have started much sooner and now that the trees are all green, bring on the heat I say.
I enjoy winter very much in Poland. I adore the snow and I love wrapping up warm in a multitude of colourful scarves. The view from my apartment in the winter is amazing, I never get tired of it. I never draw my curtains and I never clean the windows. Does this mean something?
When the grey stuff starts to filter away and you are left with the blue skies that brings spring with it somethings does happen to you. You feel a little bit lighter. The first time the sun is bright enough for you to close your eyes and see the red heat behind your eyelids is like sinking into a hot bath. I like the sunshine, I would like the sunshine and the crisp air together. I reserve my most deepest loathing for the feeling of being too hot. I would always be too cold than too hot. I want the snuggly clothes but I also want the sunshine. Its here today in Warsaw, but chances are that it might be gone tomorrow. The weather at the moment just can't make up its mind.
I enjoy winter very much in Poland. I adore the snow and I love wrapping up warm in a multitude of colourful scarves. The view from my apartment in the winter is amazing, I never get tired of it. I never draw my curtains and I never clean the windows. Does this mean something?
When the grey stuff starts to filter away and you are left with the blue skies that brings spring with it somethings does happen to you. You feel a little bit lighter. The first time the sun is bright enough for you to close your eyes and see the red heat behind your eyelids is like sinking into a hot bath. I like the sunshine, I would like the sunshine and the crisp air together. I reserve my most deepest loathing for the feeling of being too hot. I would always be too cold than too hot. I want the snuggly clothes but I also want the sunshine. Its here today in Warsaw, but chances are that it might be gone tomorrow. The weather at the moment just can't make up its mind.
May 10, 2005
My Life story
When I was at university there were all sorts of music that I was into. Mostly it was a load of indie, rock stuff with a bit of the more trendy types of pop. Last night a friend gave me a CD to listen to in the form of Erasures pop 20 greatest hits. I must say that I have had a fabulous time listening to this and singing along. I has reminded me just how great some of the eighties pop tunes were.
Even after all these years and as I near my 30th birthday I am still predominantly a girl of rock. I like the pop punk stuff that is around and I watch MTV2 more than anything else. But that does not mean that I cannot hail the glories of a good pop song. When I worked at HMV a few years ago we all revelled in the knowledge that us music shop types knew so much more than that of a common record buyer the other side of the till. I know less now than I did then about the popular music scene, but I still retain a little of my HMV haughtiness.
Even now as I wiggle away to the sounds of Oh L'amour, I remember how I used to love finding an album that I adored so much that I played it time after time until it was expressing all mt feelings at once. Oh how it was to be young and to believe that music could speak for me. I speak for myself nowadays but I miss the intensity I felt for My Life Storys' 'The Golden Mile' back in the day. Strumpet was and is my favourite leap around the living room pop rock anthem. It i such a shame that the band never really made it, guitar rock with a full symphony orchestra in the background is clearly not to everyones taste. I don't understand how anyone could fail to love them though. On the other hand maybe it was Shed Seven that really saw into my soul....
Even after all these years and as I near my 30th birthday I am still predominantly a girl of rock. I like the pop punk stuff that is around and I watch MTV2 more than anything else. But that does not mean that I cannot hail the glories of a good pop song. When I worked at HMV a few years ago we all revelled in the knowledge that us music shop types knew so much more than that of a common record buyer the other side of the till. I know less now than I did then about the popular music scene, but I still retain a little of my HMV haughtiness.
Even now as I wiggle away to the sounds of Oh L'amour, I remember how I used to love finding an album that I adored so much that I played it time after time until it was expressing all mt feelings at once. Oh how it was to be young and to believe that music could speak for me. I speak for myself nowadays but I miss the intensity I felt for My Life Storys' 'The Golden Mile' back in the day. Strumpet was and is my favourite leap around the living room pop rock anthem. It i such a shame that the band never really made it, guitar rock with a full symphony orchestra in the background is clearly not to everyones taste. I don't understand how anyone could fail to love them though. On the other hand maybe it was Shed Seven that really saw into my soul....
May 09, 2005
Saturday night
Ok kids,
Saturday night for the rich and famous in Warsaw goes something like this. I met Jo and her cousin in an African restaurant called Tam Tam on Foksal, which is quite a cool place. There are about 25 different rooms (at least it feels like 25 when you walk in by yourself and can't find your mate!). Had a quick drink there, met my french teacher(he's a man, not a boy) and his little brother and then went to a new bar called Melodia just down the road on Nowy Swiat. Melodia has just reopened and been totally refurbished. It is all wood and fat leather sofas now, like everywhere else that has just been refurbished and it is full of Warsaws young, trendy and loaded gimps looking for the next hip place to see and be seen.
This did not stop us from ordering a plethora of cocktails from the menu, the highlight of which being a kiwi martini that gave me a headache so I passed it on to someone else to finish. We also met friends Ally, K and N there and spent some time amusing ourselves by singing the worst power ballads that we could remember. N singing 3 times a lady brought tears to everyones eyes.
I don't know if I am cool enough to go to Melodia again, but seeing as that never normally stops me. I wore a poncho and had my red hair curly, was that so wrong?
Saturday night for the rich and famous in Warsaw goes something like this. I met Jo and her cousin in an African restaurant called Tam Tam on Foksal, which is quite a cool place. There are about 25 different rooms (at least it feels like 25 when you walk in by yourself and can't find your mate!). Had a quick drink there, met my french teacher(he's a man, not a boy) and his little brother and then went to a new bar called Melodia just down the road on Nowy Swiat. Melodia has just reopened and been totally refurbished. It is all wood and fat leather sofas now, like everywhere else that has just been refurbished and it is full of Warsaws young, trendy and loaded gimps looking for the next hip place to see and be seen.
This did not stop us from ordering a plethora of cocktails from the menu, the highlight of which being a kiwi martini that gave me a headache so I passed it on to someone else to finish. We also met friends Ally, K and N there and spent some time amusing ourselves by singing the worst power ballads that we could remember. N singing 3 times a lady brought tears to everyones eyes.
I don't know if I am cool enough to go to Melodia again, but seeing as that never normally stops me. I wore a poncho and had my red hair curly, was that so wrong?
Koniec
Reading is one of my favourite things to do. I am a very fast reader and once I start a book I am more often than not finished in a day, unless I am reading something huge (The Forsyte Saga took me over a week). Yesterday I just finished reading the Blind Asassin by Margaret Atwood, which I have had on the go for a couple of days. I enjoyed the book so much that it was actually very hard to get to the end. I like being in the story so much that I am always disappointed when the book has to be closed for the final time. I know that even if I read it again I will never have the characters come alive and feel an emotion for them like I do the first time that I understand what is going on the world around them and their story.
I am very rarely satisfied by endings. Somehow they never seem to fit the love that I have for the story itself. Thinking about the Blind Asassin, the main character Iris was painted in such a way by Atwood that I could never be happy thinking that their might have been an end to her telling of the story. I like reading, I just don't like finishing. I like being underwater, seeing the light at the surface but never quite reaching it. There is something comforting about floating about suspended for a while.
"Everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn't end"
(Tom Cruise - Cocktail)
I am very rarely satisfied by endings. Somehow they never seem to fit the love that I have for the story itself. Thinking about the Blind Asassin, the main character Iris was painted in such a way by Atwood that I could never be happy thinking that their might have been an end to her telling of the story. I like reading, I just don't like finishing. I like being underwater, seeing the light at the surface but never quite reaching it. There is something comforting about floating about suspended for a while.
"Everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn't end"
(Tom Cruise - Cocktail)
May 05, 2005
Got me a box!
Yes, it would appear that after only a few short days of blogging, my news consists of the exciting news that I have finally got to taking a large box home to pack away all my handbags and excess shoes in preparation for a surface mail posting in the direction of the UK. Also, I have two huge bags packed ready for when I go home for a weekend at the end of the month.
I have given away so much stuff to the red cross that I am amazed that there is anything left!
Oh, but there seems to be much left over that I really would like to keep. So I will keep on packing. I think that I have settled on the fifth arrondisement as my preferred place to live in Paris (don't correct my spelling!). Things seem to moving along nicely. It is all such a shame though, as my local supermarket just started selling cranberry juice.
I have given away so much stuff to the red cross that I am amazed that there is anything left!
Oh, but there seems to be much left over that I really would like to keep. So I will keep on packing. I think that I have settled on the fifth arrondisement as my preferred place to live in Paris (don't correct my spelling!). Things seem to moving along nicely. It is all such a shame though, as my local supermarket just started selling cranberry juice.
May 04, 2005
Rentals
I am very early on in my search for an apartment in Paris. Ideally, I would love to live on the left bank. It is becoming more clear though, that if I want to live here I will have to pay a fortune and live somewhere unspeakably small. My apartment in warsaw is 2 bedrooms and 48 sqm. It is very important to know the square meterage in Europe apparantly. The places that I am looking at in paris are as small as 19sqm. You can imagine how this is making me panic. Where are my shoes and handbags supposed to go? What do the Parisien women do? Do French people really live like this?
I need to ask a couple of my french connections if they will help me with the calling of people who have flats to rent. Of course I would love to live on the 6th floor with no lift, an astonishingly large proportion of the apartments that I am looking at seem to be in places with no lift and everyone on the fifth floor and below is aware of their good luck and is not moving.
I didn't think that this would be so hard. I need to make sure that the nearest metro station will get me to work in a reasonable time. I need to make sure that I am in a fairly good area and it is all just too hard!!
If anyone has a cheap but fabulous flat to rent, please do let me know. In the abscense of any help in the area it is back to the estate agents grindstone for me. Oh, the view from my Mokotow apartment has never looked so wondrous!
I need to ask a couple of my french connections if they will help me with the calling of people who have flats to rent. Of course I would love to live on the 6th floor with no lift, an astonishingly large proportion of the apartments that I am looking at seem to be in places with no lift and everyone on the fifth floor and below is aware of their good luck and is not moving.
I didn't think that this would be so hard. I need to make sure that the nearest metro station will get me to work in a reasonable time. I need to make sure that I am in a fairly good area and it is all just too hard!!
If anyone has a cheap but fabulous flat to rent, please do let me know. In the abscense of any help in the area it is back to the estate agents grindstone for me. Oh, the view from my Mokotow apartment has never looked so wondrous!
In the movie of my life...
In the movie of my life I am sat alone on a train gazing out of the window with some wonderful and uplifting music playing in the background. (I never get tired of trains and music)
The Polish riviera
This weekend has been a bank holiday in Poland and so I am only back at work today. As I only have a few weeks left in Poland I am keen to go away for the odd weekend so that I see more of the country while I still can. With this spirit in mind, me and Jo went to a little seaside twon called Sopot in between Gdansk and Gdynia on the Baltic Sea.
The train ride down was great, stupidly busy, but fantastic view on both side of the train so I would of been happy to spend four hours gazing out of the window. Jo and I had too much to catch up on though and spent most of the time chatting. Malbork Castle went past and I was amazed by how gorgoeus it looked. Malbork is a castle in a little town near Gdansk, something to do with the Teutonic Knights.
When we arrived in Sopot we spent two days wandering and browsing all the little bursztyn (amber) stalls and ended up buying a few presents. We also walked along the beach and dipped our toes into the Baltic. It was a brilliant change of scene. I have spent so many breaks in cities that it was a beautiful feeling to hear the sea and feel the sand under my feet. We ate gofry (waffles) with cream and jam and watched all the sicky couple snogging on the sea front. We giggled at the "I love the eighties" CD that they had on a loop in the restaurant next door.
In short a fabulous time was had by all and my batteries were beautifully recharged ready to face three weeks of exam invigilation for my GCSE students.
Warsaw is all green now and it is nice to be back in my flat. Back to learning my french verbs so that I don't get shouted at by my teacher.
The train ride down was great, stupidly busy, but fantastic view on both side of the train so I would of been happy to spend four hours gazing out of the window. Jo and I had too much to catch up on though and spent most of the time chatting. Malbork Castle went past and I was amazed by how gorgoeus it looked. Malbork is a castle in a little town near Gdansk, something to do with the Teutonic Knights.
When we arrived in Sopot we spent two days wandering and browsing all the little bursztyn (amber) stalls and ended up buying a few presents. We also walked along the beach and dipped our toes into the Baltic. It was a brilliant change of scene. I have spent so many breaks in cities that it was a beautiful feeling to hear the sea and feel the sand under my feet. We ate gofry (waffles) with cream and jam and watched all the sicky couple snogging on the sea front. We giggled at the "I love the eighties" CD that they had on a loop in the restaurant next door.
In short a fabulous time was had by all and my batteries were beautifully recharged ready to face three weeks of exam invigilation for my GCSE students.
Warsaw is all green now and it is nice to be back in my flat. Back to learning my french verbs so that I don't get shouted at by my teacher.
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